Friday of last week was hell for me. A little background: I am compulsive about my dental hygiene, but I have horrible enamel and spend thousands of dollars a year just to keep myself out of pain. I currently have 2 broken teeth and a couple of possible root canals that need to be addressed. I know I need 3 crowns. My anxiety really kicked up when my teeth started going downhill when I was 20. I saw multiple doctors and no one could seem to get me out of pain. It took months. Ever since, tooth pain is a real trigger for my anxiety.
That being said, I had a dentist appointment scheduled for March 4th to fix the most recent round of issues with my mouth. On Friday of last week, one of my teeth started throbbing. My husband was at work until 9pm and I was alone with the boy. I started having massive panic attacks back to back and could not pull myself out of them. I ended up calling my best girl friend and having her come over until Eddie could get out of work and come home. It's pretty shitty when you feel like you are unable to care for your 8 month old baby. He was being testy anyways because he's teething, but every time he would start whining or crying, I just couldn't take it. I'd start shaking, panicking. It was awful. To make matters worse, I'm still feeling dizzy from switching my anxiety medication and it was pouring down rain. Two more triggers. Usually, when it's one thing or another, I can manage it. But when they start to pile on top of each other, I'm toast. It was a bad, bad day.
Eddie's been home ever since, but goes back to work tomorrow and I don't know how I'm going to cope. I was supposed to go to work tomorrow as well (a good thing, keeps me distracted), but my childcare bombed out, so now I have to work from home. Just me and the boy. For 9 hours. I'm only mildly freaking out about this. I've been calling people all day trying to find someone to come and hang out with me so that I don't have to be alone, but everyone's working.
It just seems so counter-productive to be scared of being scared. I know in my mind that there's nothing wrong with me, that it's just the panic. But when I look at my son, I feel so guilty. I was selfish deciding to bring a child into all of this. I would never trade my precious boy for anything, but he doesn't deserve to have a mother that can't keep her shit together for him. So, I wipe away the tears and give him a big grin and tell him that mommy loves him. I just hope that he doesn't feel my fear.
All that being said, my dentist was able to move my appointment up to Friday, February 25th, which brings with it its own set of problems. I have to be sedated so that he can work on me, and I'm terrified of the medication. I know I need it, and I've been on it before, but I hate the feeling of being out of control. It gives you temporary amnesia, so you don't remember the appointment, you just wake up a few hours later. It's really a God send for people like me. I don't think I would be able to handle the appointment without it. It's really creepy to me that I'm awake and talking and I don't remember any of it. It also makes me very nauseated for a few days after. I hate all of this. But the sooner I get in there, the sooner it will be over. I'm just really scared.
Thea
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