Thursday, February 24, 2011
On my own now
Eddie had to go to work this morning, so I'm here alone with the baby. I seem to do okay when it's just me, but I'm so scared that I won't be able to take care of Jake. Just looking at him sends me into a panic. As if I haven't been doing this for almost 9 months now. Babies are so unpredictable. You never know if they are going to start screaming. I'm such a wreck right now. I've been on the phone with my dad and he asked me to come over. I (somehow) got everything together and out into the car. The boy all bundled up and ready. Dogs in the car. Click click click click. My car won't start. Are you fucking kidding me??? I have a call into emergency roadside service right now to come and check my battery. But, today? Of all days? I just need to feel a little bit secure and I can't even have that. I'm gonna go cry now.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
One day at a time
Friday of last week was hell for me. A little background: I am compulsive about my dental hygiene, but I have horrible enamel and spend thousands of dollars a year just to keep myself out of pain. I currently have 2 broken teeth and a couple of possible root canals that need to be addressed. I know I need 3 crowns. My anxiety really kicked up when my teeth started going downhill when I was 20. I saw multiple doctors and no one could seem to get me out of pain. It took months. Ever since, tooth pain is a real trigger for my anxiety.
That being said, I had a dentist appointment scheduled for March 4th to fix the most recent round of issues with my mouth. On Friday of last week, one of my teeth started throbbing. My husband was at work until 9pm and I was alone with the boy. I started having massive panic attacks back to back and could not pull myself out of them. I ended up calling my best girl friend and having her come over until Eddie could get out of work and come home. It's pretty shitty when you feel like you are unable to care for your 8 month old baby. He was being testy anyways because he's teething, but every time he would start whining or crying, I just couldn't take it. I'd start shaking, panicking. It was awful. To make matters worse, I'm still feeling dizzy from switching my anxiety medication and it was pouring down rain. Two more triggers. Usually, when it's one thing or another, I can manage it. But when they start to pile on top of each other, I'm toast. It was a bad, bad day.
Eddie's been home ever since, but goes back to work tomorrow and I don't know how I'm going to cope. I was supposed to go to work tomorrow as well (a good thing, keeps me distracted), but my childcare bombed out, so now I have to work from home. Just me and the boy. For 9 hours. I'm only mildly freaking out about this. I've been calling people all day trying to find someone to come and hang out with me so that I don't have to be alone, but everyone's working.
It just seems so counter-productive to be scared of being scared. I know in my mind that there's nothing wrong with me, that it's just the panic. But when I look at my son, I feel so guilty. I was selfish deciding to bring a child into all of this. I would never trade my precious boy for anything, but he doesn't deserve to have a mother that can't keep her shit together for him. So, I wipe away the tears and give him a big grin and tell him that mommy loves him. I just hope that he doesn't feel my fear.
All that being said, my dentist was able to move my appointment up to Friday, February 25th, which brings with it its own set of problems. I have to be sedated so that he can work on me, and I'm terrified of the medication. I know I need it, and I've been on it before, but I hate the feeling of being out of control. It gives you temporary amnesia, so you don't remember the appointment, you just wake up a few hours later. It's really a God send for people like me. I don't think I would be able to handle the appointment without it. It's really creepy to me that I'm awake and talking and I don't remember any of it. It also makes me very nauseated for a few days after. I hate all of this. But the sooner I get in there, the sooner it will be over. I'm just really scared.
Thea
That being said, I had a dentist appointment scheduled for March 4th to fix the most recent round of issues with my mouth. On Friday of last week, one of my teeth started throbbing. My husband was at work until 9pm and I was alone with the boy. I started having massive panic attacks back to back and could not pull myself out of them. I ended up calling my best girl friend and having her come over until Eddie could get out of work and come home. It's pretty shitty when you feel like you are unable to care for your 8 month old baby. He was being testy anyways because he's teething, but every time he would start whining or crying, I just couldn't take it. I'd start shaking, panicking. It was awful. To make matters worse, I'm still feeling dizzy from switching my anxiety medication and it was pouring down rain. Two more triggers. Usually, when it's one thing or another, I can manage it. But when they start to pile on top of each other, I'm toast. It was a bad, bad day.
Eddie's been home ever since, but goes back to work tomorrow and I don't know how I'm going to cope. I was supposed to go to work tomorrow as well (a good thing, keeps me distracted), but my childcare bombed out, so now I have to work from home. Just me and the boy. For 9 hours. I'm only mildly freaking out about this. I've been calling people all day trying to find someone to come and hang out with me so that I don't have to be alone, but everyone's working.
It just seems so counter-productive to be scared of being scared. I know in my mind that there's nothing wrong with me, that it's just the panic. But when I look at my son, I feel so guilty. I was selfish deciding to bring a child into all of this. I would never trade my precious boy for anything, but he doesn't deserve to have a mother that can't keep her shit together for him. So, I wipe away the tears and give him a big grin and tell him that mommy loves him. I just hope that he doesn't feel my fear.
All that being said, my dentist was able to move my appointment up to Friday, February 25th, which brings with it its own set of problems. I have to be sedated so that he can work on me, and I'm terrified of the medication. I know I need it, and I've been on it before, but I hate the feeling of being out of control. It gives you temporary amnesia, so you don't remember the appointment, you just wake up a few hours later. It's really a God send for people like me. I don't think I would be able to handle the appointment without it. It's really creepy to me that I'm awake and talking and I don't remember any of it. It also makes me very nauseated for a few days after. I hate all of this. But the sooner I get in there, the sooner it will be over. I'm just really scared.
Thea
Nice to meet ya
Well, hello there! After years of flirting with the idea, I've decided to go ahead and start my blog. My name's Thea (pen name). I found that sometimes I need to go somewhere to vent my thoughts and hopefully get some feedback. Here are some topics that I'd like to address:
Infertility/Loss - I've struggled with IF since about a year after I got married, although if I look back, it's a miracle I didn't get pregnant before that, so I've probably had these issues my whole life. Eddie and I started trying to get pregnant in 2005. We succeeded almost immediately and were elated. 8 weeks later I miscarried. We tried to start adoption procedures, but were told that we were "too young. You'll have your own children someday and regret it." Wow, right? We went through a year of fertility treatments...Clo.mid and IUI...with no luck at all. I did get pregnant again after all that, but miscarried again at about 6 weeks. We decided to wait until Eddie was done with school to go ahead with IVF and, Surprise! We got pregnant again. This one stuck and we got little Jack in June of 2010. Don't know when we are going to try again, but we aren't doing anything to prevent it at this point.
Marriage - Eddie and I got married in 2004 when I was 24 and he was 22. We had known each other for years before that, so it didn't really seem like we got married very young. It just felt right. We have our issues, like every couple, but we are committed to our marriage and our family.
Anxiety - This seems to be the big one right now. I've struggled with anxiety and panic attacks since I was 14 years old, but they really got bad when I was 20. I've been on medication ever since and am coming to the realization that I probably will be forever. Pa.xil seemed to be working the best for me, but started petering out over the last year, so I'm in the process of switching meds and it is no fun. I've been having multiple panic attacks daily and am just trying to make it through each day.
That's pretty much it for now. Leave me a message and we'll chat. I hope to be a source of strength as well as strengthed by my blog. Here goes!
Thea
Infertility/Loss - I've struggled with IF since about a year after I got married, although if I look back, it's a miracle I didn't get pregnant before that, so I've probably had these issues my whole life. Eddie and I started trying to get pregnant in 2005. We succeeded almost immediately and were elated. 8 weeks later I miscarried. We tried to start adoption procedures, but were told that we were "too young. You'll have your own children someday and regret it." Wow, right? We went through a year of fertility treatments...Clo.mid and IUI...with no luck at all. I did get pregnant again after all that, but miscarried again at about 6 weeks. We decided to wait until Eddie was done with school to go ahead with IVF and, Surprise! We got pregnant again. This one stuck and we got little Jack in June of 2010. Don't know when we are going to try again, but we aren't doing anything to prevent it at this point.
Marriage - Eddie and I got married in 2004 when I was 24 and he was 22. We had known each other for years before that, so it didn't really seem like we got married very young. It just felt right. We have our issues, like every couple, but we are committed to our marriage and our family.
Anxiety - This seems to be the big one right now. I've struggled with anxiety and panic attacks since I was 14 years old, but they really got bad when I was 20. I've been on medication ever since and am coming to the realization that I probably will be forever. Pa.xil seemed to be working the best for me, but started petering out over the last year, so I'm in the process of switching meds and it is no fun. I've been having multiple panic attacks daily and am just trying to make it through each day.
That's pretty much it for now. Leave me a message and we'll chat. I hope to be a source of strength as well as strengthed by my blog. Here goes!
Thea
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